Everybody has their down days

I apologise now for the fact that not a single bit of this blog is going to be jolly and that I will probably depress you all, you may not want to read about my general rantings of feeling well and truly stuck in a rut, and to be quite honest I don't blame you.

I also know there are so many people in the world in a far worse situation than me, but I shouldn't feel guilty that even though this is all a pile of pathetic crap I am genuinely being gotten down by it.

Well, I'm about to start one of the best years of my life according to my University by going out on placement and learning 'vital industry experience' and yes, I am excited about that and relieved that I have finally sorted it out (they make it sound like it's going to be a doddle, it really, really isn't) but I really want all that to start now, and not in a month and a bits time.

I also feel like the last three weeks and the next 3 weeks in regards to my day to day life (there have been good weekends etc that I have enjoyed) are completely wasted and time that I'm never going to get back.

This last term hasn't really had any proper structure and so it has made it difficult to really kick start being back here, each day feels like an existence of much the same of 'plod about the house not really doing anything productive and occasionally go to do stuff at Uni'. I have revision to do, yes but that's about it and the whole feeling is leaving me completely unmotivated to do anything, hence it's not often that the revision gets done.

Last year I had the feeling of 'Exams start in 3 weeks time, oh god' today it's 'my first exam's tomorrow and I couldn't give a crap' which is not like me, I do usually at least care even if I don't work, because ultimately I still like to do well.

I'm doing my degree because it will help me get the job that I want, which is most people's reason I guess, but I know that the job I want isn't really a job that I want to have a fantastic career in where I strive for each promotion until I'm at the top, which is probably what my problem is. I want a job working with children in the environment because Environmental Education is something I believe in, I don't feel like I need to go on some kind of huge campaign to either get to the top or change other people's opinion though, I just want to have my job alongside and good marriage, a family and a nice house. That's all I want and I could happily be a nobody for the rest of my life. I have no ambition in other things to achieve. Well I have complete wildest dreams, but nothing achievable.

In my fantasy world The Boyf and I will be millionaires within the next 2 or 3 years and I will be living a lifestyle of regular (but not always) partying with a lot of horse riding and fancy holidays thrown in, but I think everyone wants that. Preferably I would spend a lot of time in Monaco too, after falling in love with the place on holiday.

I guess I just thought that I'd achieve more along the way as I was at Uni, instead of just leading this mundane lifestyle for 3 years achieving a graduation, which is fantastic (although don't be expecting some kind of first class honours) but ultimately I felt I'd have other achievements added to the list by that point. The most I've done is manage to be the Secretary of the Equestrian Club for a year and I can't say it's something I have to boast about or really want to do again. 

I have to say rejoining the Sealed Knot has been a bit of a big deal for me, because I feel like it's something I get genuine joy out of again, the kind of joy I only really get out of that and riding, but due to the expense and time neither of these things happen as often as I'd like, but I do get a great buzz as battles get closer as I feel that I can just escape and don't really have to think about anything apart from sitting with friends laughing and whether the match I'm holding is burning at both ends.

In 3 weeks time this will all be over and I have a fantastic two weeks planned after exams, before starting placement and moving to Kent some time in July, but in complete honesty I really don't want these next 3 weeks to happen, apart from the 5 days at the end of this week where I will be at a battle. 

(Apologies now if you're depressed).

I will blog again in just over 3 weeks time, when happier events have happened and I will have a bit of a happier outlook on things!